In sum, unless the reslut of a further scientific study can demonstrate that the weight-gaining propensity among the snorers is caused by lacking of excercise and can be solved by eating less, the arguers conclusion about this medical issue is unfounded.(463 words)
评注:开头两段什么都没谈,就归纳了论据结论用了一段耗去100多字,居然还不过瘾,又独劈一段就为了说明它有问题,又是几十字,加上结尾,非主体共耗去200多字,接近全文一半,这样的谋篇布局实在让人心寒。可见没有丝毫写作结构性的知识,完全凭借自己的一相情愿在抖包袱。而下面的范文尽管开头也作了概括,但是点到即止,将文章的中心全部扑在批驳论证上,并且主次分明,从而保证了良好的结构协调性,请读者品品。
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