我们来看一篇学生习作的开头段:In our world, truth and lie exist in a way the same as that of the black and white. Its obviously for us to see that one of them is opposite to the other. So many people think directly that they are not same at all. But in fact, they are the same things in the whole, because both of them are little parts compared to the integration. Their function is to make the integration execute fluently and effective, which can benefit more people. So my idea is that truth or lie is just a kind of formation. What determines our choice is the result can really help people rather than tangle with the apparent formation.
学生习作的题目是Do circumstances determine whether or not people should tell the truth。我们看到上面的习作中有一些逻辑连接词so,but,because等。明显的,在这一段中,学生的逻辑非常混乱。看到第一个批注中的内容: 注意此处的逻辑关系。明显的他们有区别,但是,一些人注意是转折应该用however或者but等。但是,再接着看到后面一句你用的but,也就是说前面不能用转折关系了,要改用although的让步关系。而且,后面解释的时候已经表达了第一段第二句的意思,所以建议删掉第二句话。(该段落的其他问题见旁边的批注)
再来看一下学生根据修改意见修改后的开头段:In our world, truth and lie exist in a way the same as that of the black and white. So many people consider that they are not the same at all. In fact, both of them are parts of the integration. That is, they are the same things. And the reason of their existence is that it can supply more ways for people to release their emotion. As far as I am concerned, I vote that people dont have to always tell the truth, because sometimes it can hurt people, whom maybe you would have helped. 修改后的内容在表达上清晰了许多。
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