However we estimated the conclusion with too much confidence, and it was proved that moving to the city was a disaster. There is too much tail gas released from automobiles, which made us cough. The nights are so bright and noisy that we cannot sleep well. Thus, although we get more sleep time, we are even sleepier at study or work.
语言修改
However, we were overconfident and the move to the city proved a disaster. In the city there is a lot of gas exhaust from cars, which made us cough. The nights were so bright and noisy that we could not sleep well. Thus, although we had more time to sleep at night, we were even more tired.
本段评点
这个简单的故事其实用一段话就全部写完了,不用分成三段。它作为一篇文章中几个例子中的一个是可以的,但是如果作为唯一的例子,难以全面深刻地探讨作文的题目。从而导致读者感觉文章的论证不充分,那么论点也就不堪一击了。
其次,这段作者说从农村搬到城市后觉得城市disaster的原因是空气污染和晚上睡不好觉。把空气污染作为理由是可以接受的,但说城市喧嚣每天晚上睡不好觉也有点牵强,除非作者是住在酒吧里或睡在夜总会,否则应该没那么严重。
学生习作
Every coin has two sides. We only noticed the positive side but lost the negative side, so we did not conclude the truth. The wrong decision was a lesson from which we learned that it is necessary to see both sides of an issue in order to discover the new truth. Now we are considering to moving back to the rural area, but this time, we will make a complete study before we carry it out.
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