学生习作(第二段)
语言修改
My family used to live in a village, but my parents went to urban to work and I to study. It was a long distance, so we had to spend an average of 3.5 hours in our car everyday. We had to get up early to set out and return home late at night. Moreover, we could not watch TV together, but be together in the car, feeling sleepy. Of course, we were unwilling to accept the situation and we thought of moving to the urban area to save our time and to live a more convenient life. So we did, half a year ago.
My family used to live in a village, but my parents moved to the city to work and I to study. It was a long distance to travel to the city every day with an average of 3.5 hours spent in our car. We had to get up early to set out and return home late at night. Unlike other families that watch TV or have other fun together, we spent hours in a car, which was boring and even painful. Of course, this situation was unacceptable to us so we thought of moving to the city to save time and make our lives more convenient.. So we did, half a year ago.
本段评点
文章这个例子的叙述过于细节化,显得有些琐碎,这也导致这个例子用了三段来叙述,占了大量的篇幅和写作时间,使得作者可能无法再写个例子。另外,这段中的句式也缺少变化,例如大部分句子都是We再加上一个谓语这样的结构。
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