With the advent of college, I was brought to grips with the problem of earning a living. Part-time teaching of piano and harmony and, upon graduation, occasional concerts and lectures, proved only partial sources of livelihood. In terms of time and effort involved, the financial remuneration was disheartening. This induced within me searing self-doubt and dark moods of despondency. Adding to my dismal sense of inadequacy was the repeated experience of seeing my sisters and friends go off to exciting dates. How grateful I was for my piano, wherethrough Chopin, Brahms, and BeethovenI could mingle my longing and seething energy with theirs. And where I could dissolve my frustration in the beauty and grandeur of their conceptions.
升入大学之后,我开始为生计而奔波。课余时间我教授钢琴及和声,临近毕业时还偶尔参加几次演奏会,做了几次讲座,可要维持生计光靠这些还是不够,与投入的时间和精力相比,它们在经济上的回报让人沮丧。这让我失去了自信和勇气,内心郁闷苦恼。眼看我的姐妹和伙伴们一次次兴高采烈地与人约会,我更觉消沉空虚。 所幸的是,还有钢琴陪我。我沸腾的渴望和激情在肖邦、贝多芬、勃拉姆斯那里得到了共鸣。我的挫败感在他们美妙壮丽的音乐构想中消散。
Then one day, I met a girl, a wonderful girl, an army nurse, whose faith and stability were to change my whole life. As our acquaintance ripened into friendship, she discerned, behind a shell of gaiety, my recurring plateaus of depression. She said, Stop knocking on closed doors. Keep up your beautiful music. I know your opportunity will come. Youre trying too hard. Why dont you relax, and have you ever tried praying?
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