Past Mistakes:
Me, officer? You’re joking!
Come off it, Mulligan. For a start, you spent three days watching the house. You shouldn’t have done that, you know. The neighbors got suspicious and phoned the police ...
But I was only looking, officer.
... and on the day of the robbery, you really shouldn’t have used your own car. We got your number. And if you’d worn a mask, you wouldn’t have been recognized.
I didn’t go inside!
Ah, there’s another thing. You should’ve worn gloves, Mulligan. If you had, you wouldn’t have left your fingerprints all over the house. We found your fingerprints on the jewels, too.
You mean ... you’ve found the jewels?
Oh yes. Where you ... er ... ‘hid’ them. Under your mattress.
My god! You know everything! I’ll tell you something, officer—you shouldn’t have joined the police force. If you’d taken up burglary, you’d have made a fortune!
Monologue:
Why do people play football? It’s a stupid game, and dangerous too. Twenty-two men fight for two hours to kick a ball into a net. They get more black eyes than goals. On dry, hard pitches they break their bones. On muddy ones they sprain their muscles. Footballers must be mad. And why do people watch football? They must be mad too. They certainly shout and scream like madmen. In fact I’m afraid to go out when there’s a football match. The crowds are so dangerous. I’d rather stay at home and watch TV. But what happens when I switch on? They’re showing a football match. So I turn on the radio. What do I hear? ‘The latest football scores’. And what do I see when I open a newspaper? Photos of footballers, interviews with footballers, reports of football matches. Footballers are the heroes of the twentieth century. They’re rich and famous. Why? Because they can kick a ball around. How stupid! Everyone seems to be mad about football, but I’m not. Down with football, I say.
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