The stonewalling is understandable. Most parents want to spare unfavored kids the hurt that the truth could cause. Moreover, the court of public opinion can respond pitilessly — even furiously — to moms or dads who speak the forbidden truth. Last March, a mother of two wrote a post on the website Babble.com under the headline I THINK I LOVE MY SON JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE. The mom went on at length describing the greater warmth she feels for her baby boy compared with her baby girl and even included a photo of herself and her unfavored daughter.
She was, predictably, severely criticized. “Please work on your issues lady!” said one typical response. “I feel absolutely horrible for your daughter!” read another. But then there was this: “I completely understand. I too feel this way.”
The hard truth is, most parents do. In one research, Catherine Conger, a professor at the University of California at Davis, studied a group of 384 sibling pairs and their parents and visited them three times over three years. She questioned them about their relationships and videotaped them as they worked through conflicts. Overall, she concluded that 65% of mothers and 70% of fathers exhibited a preference for one child, usually the older one. And the real numbers can be much bigger, since parents try especially hard to hide their preferences when a researcher is watching.
If the scientists don’t see through the trick, however, kids usually do — and act accordingly. From the moments they’re born, brothers and sisters constantly compete for the precious resource of parental attention, each fighting to establish an identity that will best catch Mom’s or Dad’s eye. I’m the smartest one! I’m the funny one!
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