第三部分,按提纲的要求,这一段是写结论。分析该食物搭配,希望人们将来的饮食结构更科学,更合理。
初稿:
In the past five years there have been a few changes in people’s diets. People eat fewer grains, drink more milk, eat fewer fruits and vegetables and eat more meat. I think it’s because people have more money to buy meat and milk. Meat and milk are more expensive than grains. Milk and meat are important to one抯 health, but if people eat too much rich food, some problems will occur.
In conclusion, people should keep a balance in their diets. They should eaet enough grains, fruits and vegetables too.
这篇习作初稿大体上遵循了提纲的要求,条理清楚,要点叙述基本到位,从文中也能看出作者的独立思考能力,但是文章仍然存在一些缺点。下面我们来一一分析有待改进的地方。
(1) 开头第一句写得很好,总起全篇,点出表格反映的主要信息:过去五年里人们饮食发生的变化。紧接着第二句概述变化内容。这一句话写得缺乏技巧性,只是依次列举出每种食物人们消费情况的变化,没有体现出分析和对比。如果在叙述时,将增加的放在一起介绍,减少的放在一起介绍会使对表格内容的概括更有力度。如:They eat fewer grains, fruits and vegetables but more milk and meat today than in the past.
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