On a few occasions during her two years of going to pharming parties(品药聚会). “My heart would race so fast that it felt like it was going to explode. I felt weak and confused sometimes and even passed_out several times，” she recalls. “But I picked up from the ground because I had a lot of pride in my drinking and drugging. I was really crazy about it and proud of the fact that I could take more than a lot of people. I could come home and have a conversation with my parents.”

　　Finally, though, things got out of control. “I couldn't go a day without taking something，” she recalls, “and after a while, the pills upset my stomach；it hurt all the time, and I hardly ate. Finally, I couldn't take it any more. I went to my parents and told them I needed help.”

　　Amanda entered a treatment program and has been calm since her release last January. “Detox(戒瘾)was the worst four days of my entire life，”she says.“I was throwing up all the food and had the shakes.”

　　She doesn't care about drugs. “I'm so hurt from this，” says Amanda，who has ulcers(溃疡)and damaged kidneys from the drugs and alcohol. “I have to struggle daily to stay calm. But in some ways，I feel lucky I went through it, and I'm out of it now.” Amanda wrote a song called “Goodnight to the Moonlight”. Amanda says，“It's about how it feels to be taking drugs and alcohol, how it hurts, how it makes you feel like you're losing yourself.”

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