点评:总体句写的不错。 Numerous稍显夸张。
To begin with, Undeniably, a phone call, an E-mail can make people closer and make the world smaller。
点评:
1 两个名词短语之间要有连接词,比如and。
2 整个句子表达很中式,不地道。
修改:Phones and computers could wipe out /erase geographical barriers。
More specifically, they are faster than regular mails。
点评:论证和论点没有关系啊,这个论据是说明效率高,而不是在论证手机让世界变得近。
修改:More specifically, a student in China, thanks to phone calls, is able to communicate with his friends in other countries, such as Australia and Canada within seconds。
Besides, it takes people a great deal of time to write a letter。
点评:这一段的论述主题是电话电脑的优点,建议不要绕着写信的缺点。
修改:Besides, phones may save the public more time compared with traditional letters。
Apparently, nowadays, a considerable proportion of people have to work day in and day out to support themselves and even their their family. Undeniably, fast-paced life put great burden on individuals, 1hence, compared with 2letter, a phone call or a E-mail may be less time-consuming and more suitable for individuals。
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