点评:这篇文章彻底纠正了上述病历文的缺点,开头简短有力,准确回应,中间正文论述过度自然,值得借鉴,另外结尾也摆脱了原先的 改错建议 ,用 讽刺 的口吻深化了主题。大家一定要重视这个问题,因为这实在是个 吃力不讨好 的事,而且这样的人还真不少,下面再看一例来自满分网的习作,将这种 毛病 升华到了极至。
145.A new study collected data that shows that people who snore are more likely to gain weight than are people who do not snore. It is well known that many people who snore also stop breathing frequently during the night for a few seconds, a condition called sleep apnea. The interruption of breathing wakes the person often so briefly that the waking goes unnoticed--and can leave the person too tired during the day to exercise. Anyone who snores, therefore, should try to eat less than the average person and to exercise more.
In this argument, the arguer make a proposal that anyone who snores should try to eat less than the average person and to exercise more. In order to prove his claims, a new study collected data has been quoted that people who snore are more likely to gain weight than are people who do not snore. in addition, the arguer also shows a common sense to support the conclusion, which says that sleep apnea, a condition caused by snore, can wakes the sleeping person often and leave him too tired to exercise during the day.
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