My uncle used to make a girlfriend. She, most into her appearance, spent 2 hours making up everyday. And no one can refuse that shes beautiful. But she was not so kind. She would laugh at the badly-injured dogs in the streets and even took picture of them for fun. She shouted at beggars without offering them any help as if their poverty would spread. She was totally chilly and egocentric. No one can bear her including my uncle. At last, they broke up. Although she was charming in style, her inner substance made her awful and unpopular.
My uncle used to have a girlfriend. She spent two hours every day getting ready. She is beautiful on the outside but not so kind. She would laugh at injured dogs and even take pictures of them just for the fun of it. She shouted at beggars without offering them any help as if their poverty would spread. She was cold and egocentric. No one could stand her, not even my uncle. At last, they broke up. Although she was charming in style, her inner substance made her awful and unpopular.
本段评点
与上一段虚构的小说人物相对应,这里作者举出了自己身边人的真实的例子,既恰当贴切,又很有说服力。不过,本段的句式比较单调,大部分是以she开头的单句。
学生习作(第四段)
语言修改
Have you heard of a story named Beauty and the Beast? The beast seems unacceptable in appearance, right? But finally he wins the heart of the princess for his bravery to show love. The quality drives him to the success, not the style.
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