本段评点
文章这个例子的叙述过于细节化,显得有些琐碎,这也导致这个例子用了三段来叙述,占了大量的篇幅和写作时间,使得作者可能无法再写个例子。另外,这段中的句式也缺少变化,例如大部分句子都是We再加上一个谓语这样的结构。
学生习作
Before we made up our minds, we did investigated what trouble we would face. We were optimist to conclude that there was only one thing, the higher cost of living, which we could set aside by less using the car. We also predicted that we could gain profits such as a lot of time we used to spend on highways, convenient life, etc.
语言修改
Before we made up our minds, we investigated what troubles we may face. We were optimistic that the only obstacle was the higher cost of living which we could offset by using the car less. We also concluded we would gain a lot in terms of less time spent on the road, more convenient lifestyle, etc.
本段评点
这段第一句提到在我们做决定之前确实调查了搬迁后可能面临的困难,这与第一段的论点出现了一些抵触。第一段说作者是想用自己亲身的这个例子说明做决定不应该忽视消极的一面,而这里作者又说并未忽视呀!这使得这个例子不那么有说服力了。
学生习作
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