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Try as he may

The thing to do is to enjoy the process and not bother with the outcome, which will come one way or the other. Like it is with your letters (the last of which is remarkably much better written than the first), you've been making progress but your attention has been elsewhere. You can't see it. But it's there. Learn to see it and feel proud of yourself.

Proud, but not too proud. If one doesn't try, I always say they perhaps should try. If one tries very hard, then they should relax and look elsewhere. Don't obsess.

If you don't obsess, then perhaps you can afford to obsess a bit. I could spin round and round ad nauseam but won't (you've learned that word, now a second time).

You see, it's a matter of attitude, and a healthy flexible attitude can be cultivated just like building a muscle or learning a language.

Improve your philosophy and your current problem will go away. And perhaps a lot faster, but precisely at what speed, I don't know. You should know, because after all, it's your problem.

Last but not least, you also said you long to be able to read English like "an average English native". That's ambitious alright but my question is, why just "average"?

Beware what you want because you're going to get it one day. And that day, when you indeed can read like an average, only average, English native, don't blame me for not having warned you first.