美媒致切尔西孩子：生为希拉里道具伪装过一生_BEC初级作文

美媒致切尔西孩子：生为希拉里道具伪装过一生

Before you were even born your mommy’s mommy pretended that it’s a completely normal thing to announce your own grandchild’s birth to the world at a joint press appearance with your mom, hosted on Skype and live-streamed. With America Ferrera!

Although you will at all times pretend to be a normal baby, you actually already have your very own career, like doctor or fireman or lobbyist! Can you say “Campaign Asset”? Good, now let’s learn about skill sets! You only need one talent. Ready? It’s “Soften the Candidate”! Sort of like human bubble bath.

Now, even though you have a busy life, sleeping 18 hours a day, nursing and learning to roll over, all of this comes second to being a stage prop to the grandma they call “Hillary” or “Madame President” or “Lady Pantsuit.” When big, scary men with huge, glowing boxes on their shoulders come around, don’t be afraid! They’re only here to shine blinding lights into your widdle eyes. Kind of like a dozen suns shining at the same time! Just think of them as the Sunshine Men. They will be accompanied by nice pretend journalists who are actually castle-outreach people named Katie or Oprah or Diane, whose job it is to make you and Grandma look good, so don’t cry so much, and only on cue! (Example: When Grandma Hillary says, “That ol’ John Boehner sure gets upset when he doesn’t get what he wants,” start wailing!)

There are a few special little things you need to know about. For instance, if you are a girl, mean people will mail you blue Gap dresses. You don’t need to worry about where they came from, because the castle’s shining knights will go after them. These knights work for a castle security program called the IRS. Those blue Gap dresses are a reference to something unfortunate that happened a long, long time ago that we all pretend didn’t happen and anyway was all the fault of barbarians and trolls living outside the castle. We call these twisted creatures Republicans.