On May 12, 2008, a disastrous time affected the hearts of every Chinese. Not to mention the active donations from all walks of life, not to mention the active blood donors, not to mention the armed rush to Sichuan, it is said that the three days of national mourning will rest the dead and awe the living. When people gathered in Tian'anmen Square and shouted "come on China! Sichuan's rise! " By then, I was already in tears. There is nothing more painful than disaster, but it also makes the Chinese nation unite into a great wall, indestructible!
我们,面对突如其来的灾难,手拉手,心连心,共同描绘一幅名叫“感动”的中国画!
We, in the face of the sudden disaster, hand in hand, heart to heart, together to describe a picture called "touched" Chinese painting!
(让我们怀着对古人的追忆,对死者的哀悼,将感动种植于心,时时刻刻带着感动出发!)
(let's remember the ancients, mourn the dead, plant the emotion in our hearts, and start with the emotion all the time! )
【失分警示】
[point loss warning]
这篇文章被判为二类卷:10分(内容)+17分(表达)+15分(发展)。就表达和发展两项考量,文章可圈可点:语言表达酣畅淋漓,没有空浮的华丽,却有盈盈诗意溢荡字里行间;选材的典雅与现代相映成趣,典雅之“心随苏武”和“风追司马”,源自所学教材;现代之“抗震抗灾”的一个个感动的片段。但问题出在哪儿?点题模糊,以致文章脱离“带着感动出发”之眼、之魂。考场作文必须点题,不点题就有离题之嫌,不点题就有事前预备了相似的文章考时照抄之嫌,而水到渠成地点了题就说明文章没有脱离制约的路线盲目乱跑,就说明文章与标题密切相关,彼呼此应。如果能在文章中恰到好处地反复点题,则更能使文章线索清楚,结构严谨,而各部分的内容也更能有机地加强联络。上面文章每一部分的括号文字便是升格后添加的,这样,三个部分就“统一化”,更好地表现主题了。这里,强调一点,考场作文的点题主张醒目。点题要明白题眼,“带着感动出发”的题眼应是“出发”,“带着感动”属于动宾结构,修饰“出发”,所以文章的落脚在“感动”,点睛在“出发”,其实“出发”一词可以拓展:“出发”干什么?“出发”的意义是什么?怎样去“出发”?“出发”的信念是什么?等等这些全凭考生的理解和延伸。(刘德海)
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