I felt annoyed because it seemed Frank always had to have things his way. I explained that I had tried monthly billing, but it hadnt worked because some patients didnt pay. Frank argued that he had impeccable credit and knew much more about credit and billing than I did.
Suddenly I realized I was missing Franks point. You are right, I said. Im being defensive. We should focus on the problems in your life and not worry so much about money.
Frank immediately softened and began talking about what was really bothering him, which were some personal problems. The next time we met, he handed me a check for 20 sessions in advance!
There are times, of course, when people are unreasonably abusive and you may need to just walk away from the situation. But if the problem is one that you want solved, its important to allow the other person to keep some self-esteem. Theres nearly always a grain of truth in the other persons point of view. If you acknowledge this, he or she will be less defensive and more likely to listen to you.
Complainers. Brad is a 32-year-old Detroit chiropractor who recently described his frustration with a patient of his: I ask Mr. Barry, How are you doing? and he dumps out his whole life story-his family problems and his financial difficulties. I give him advice, but he ignores everything I tell him.
Brad needs to recognize that habitual complainers usually dont want advice. They just want someone to listen and understand. So Brad might simply say : sounds like a rough week, Its no fun to have unpaid bills, people nagging you, and this pain besides. The complainer will usually run out of gas and stop complaining. The secret is not to give advice. Just agreeing and validating a persons point of view will make that person feel better.
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