Be sure to explain what would be helpful to you. Do you need someone to simply listen? Brainstorm? Bring chicken soup? Someone who loves you will be relieved to know how to be useful.
你一定要解释清楚什么样的事情将是对你有帮助的。你是仅仅需要有个人来倾听?还是需要一场头脑风暴?抑或是给你带来心灵鸡汤?关爱你的人在搞清楚如何能够帮到你后,他们才会宽心。
'We often don't know what we want, just that what they did didn't help,' says Dr. Lawrence. 'I encourage spouses to really try to think about what kinds of support they need─do they want their spouse to give advice, tangible support, just listen?'
劳伦斯说:“我们经常都不知道自己想要什么,只知道对方的所作所为根本不起作用。我鼓励伴侣们真的要好好试着想想他们需要什么类型的支持──-是想让自己的配偶提出建议,给予切实的支持,还是仅仅只需要有人倾听?”
The Colps's hard-won advice on giving advice: Outsource it. Ms. Colp now sometimes discusses what advice to give her husband with her mother, then asks her to deliver it. (This works because her mother and husband are close, she says.) And Mr. Colp recently had a friend teach his wife to wakeboard. The couple also notes that tone and timing are important. (A rule: No giving advice before dinner, when everyone's hungry.)
考尔普夫妇在提建议方面有一个得之不易的经验之谈:将这件事“外包”出去。考尔普太太现在有时就会和自己的妈妈一道讨论该向考尔普先生提出怎样的建议,然后她会要求妈妈去向自己的丈夫传达这层意思。(她说,这招之所以能够行得通,是因为她的妈妈和自己的丈夫比较亲。)而近来,考尔普先生又让自己的一位朋友教妻子进行花式滑水。这对夫妇也注意到,提建议的口气和时机也很重要。(有一条规则:不要在饭前每个人都饥肠辘辘的时候提什么建议。)
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