同样来自纽约的心理治疗师、《如何修复破碎的心》的作者盖·卫恩齐也同意苏斯曼的这一观点,并强调分手的重点不是释放你一直压抑着的怨言和尽情地讽刺对方,哪怕对方表示会接受你的“发泄”。“找出一件能够使对方理解的、具体的事儿来说明白。”无休止的抱怨毫无益处,反而会使痛苦的交谈没完没了。
It’s also important to choose your words carefully, the experts agree. “Phrase something as, ‘This bothers me,’ or ‘This really was difficult for me,'” instead of blaming the other person, Winch says. What you feel is terrible isn’t always objectively terrible, he says — just bad for you.
专家们还认为,谨慎措辞也很重要。卫恩齐说,不要只是责备对方,可以试着这样说:“这让我困扰”或“这对我来说真的很难”。你感觉很糟糕的事儿并不一定很糟糕,可能只是你的感觉而已。
Finally, resist the urge to soften the blow with platitudes. Saying, “‘We can be friends,’ or ‘Now’s not a good time for me,’ all sound like, well, maybe in the future” things could work out, Winch says. Don’t imply that’s the case if it’s not.
最后,抑制住说善意谎言的冲动。卫恩齐说,别试图用“我们以后还可以做朋友”或者“目前我的状态不适合谈恋爱”这种话来给对方无谓的希望。如果以后再无可能,就不要给对方任何暗示。
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