What's the secret behind the long term success of arranged marriages?
They have to work at it.
They don't passively rely on "magic" and intense emotion. They have to spend a lot of time thinking about how to make it work.
That process of discovery is ostensibly the fun of courtship, too, except that in arranged marriage the goal is to figure out how to be married, not whether to marry.
Research shows expecting a fairy tale relationship is a prescription for disappointment.
Elements of fairy tales such as Cinderella were present in 78 percent of people's beliefs about romantic love. Those people were more likely to have experienced disillusionment, devastation, and angst in their relationships than were those who gave less credence to fairy tales.
Feeling like it's all magic means it's out of your control — and that without that initial magic, it's hopeless.
The happiness of arranged marriages means a couple can make magic if they try.
So you need to actively keep the marriage happy. How do you do that?
Don't fix the bad. Increase the good.
Look at your spouse as something you purchased "as-is." Research shows trying to change themdoesn't work:
When participants focused their relationship improvement attempts on changing the partner, individuals reported more negative improvement strategies, lower improvement success, and, in turn, more negative relationship evaluations. Results suggest that targeting the partner may do more harm than good despite that relationship evaluations pivot on whether the partner produces change.
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2020-09-15
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