It has been natural to see myself as an individual, it's been a challenge to imagine that self as part of something larger. Like many of you here tonight, I grew up in what I would call "survival mode." When you are in survival mode, your focus is on getting through the day in one piece. And when you are in that mode at [age] five, at 10, at 15 there isn't a lot of space for words like "community," for words like "us" and "we." There is only space for "I" and "me."
In fact, words like "us" and "we" not only sounded foreign to me at five and 10, at 15, they sounded like a lie. Because if "us" and "we" really existed, if there was really someone out there watching and listening and caring, then I would have been rescued by now. That feeling of being singular and different and alone carried over into my 20s and into my 30s.
When I was 33 I started working on a tv show that was successful not only here in the states but also abroad, which meant over the next four years I was travelling to Asia, to the Middle East, to Europe and everywhere in between, and in that time, I gave thousands of interviews. I had multiple opportunities to speak my truth, which is that I was gay, but I chose not to. I was out privately to family and friends, to the people I learned to trust over time, but professionally and publically I was not.
Asked to choose between being out of integrity and out of the closet, I chose the former. I chose to lie. I chose to dissemble, because when I thought about the possiblity of coming out, about how that might impact me and the career I worked so hard for I was filled with fear. Fear and anger and a stubborn resistance that had built up over many years.
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