When I thought about that kid somewhere out there who might be inspired or moved by me taking a stand and speaking my truth, my mental response was consistantly, No, thank you. I thought, I've spent over a decade building this career. Alone.
By myself. And from a certain point of view, it's all I have, but now I'm supposed to put that at risk to be a role model to someone I've never met, who I'm not even sure exists. It did not make any sense to me. It did not resonate... at the time.
Also, like many of you here tonight, growing up I was a target. Speaking the right way, standing the right way, holding your wrist the right way. Every day was a test and there were a thousand ways to fail. A thousand ways to betray yourself. To not live up to someone else's standard of what was acceptable, what was normal. And when you failed the test, which was guaranteed, there was a price to pay: emotional, psychological, physical. And like many of you, I paid that price more than once in a variety of ways.
The first time I tried to kill myself I was 15. I waited until my family went away for the weekend and I was alone in the house and I swallowed a bottle of pills. I don't remember what happened over the next couple of days, but I'm pretty sure come Monday morning I was on the bus back to school pretending everything was fine. And when someone asked me if that was a cry for help, I say, "No, because I told no one. You only cry for help if you believe there is help to cry for." And I didn't. I wanted out. I wanted gone. At 15.
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