巴德说,伴侣们刚开始相互了解时,他们常说他们是同伴,她觉得这可以接受。当伴侣们在一起已经长达三四十年甚或五十年时间,他们会使用同一种说法,而这可以是一段健康关系的标志。
“It’s the in-between ones, when they use the language of friendship, my stomach turns,” Bader said. “It’s a red flag for a lot of conflict avoidance and intensity avoidance. It often means they’ve given up on the complexity of being with somebody. Instead of saying, ‘Oh, well, that’s who they are,’ it’s better if they try to work things out.”
“有问题的是这两者之间的那些,他们用这种友谊的说法,我就很不舒服,”巴德说。“这是一味回避冲突、回避紧张关系的危险信号。它常常意味着他们不愿再去面对和某人相处时的复杂问题。他们最好是设法解决问题,而不是说‘哦,好吧,他们就是那个样子’。”
Bader said that she wished popular magazines would challenge the notion that you shouldn’t get married to change someone. “I think that’s what marriage is about,” she said. “It’s where some of the juices come from, and it’s also how you get the best out of the person you marry.”
巴德说,她希望通俗杂志能质疑这样一种理念:你不该抱着改变某人的念头与其结婚。“我认为那是婚姻的意义所在,”她说。“它是部分动力的来源,也是让与你结婚的人展现出最美好一面的方法。”
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